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I remember when I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I was so excited about being a mom and one day being able to hold that precious, little baby in my arms. Even before my baby was born, I could see this cute chubby baby with round cheeks and an adorable smile, and I could hear the giggles and sweet coos. I remember thinking about different names for the baby and clothes that I could buy, but after the excitement wore off, I soon realized that although I was about to embark on a joyous journey, there was likely going to be some pain along the way, and there was definitely going to be some pain at the end of the journey, when the baby was born. Over the past year, I feel like I have been going through a process similar to pregnancy. Although I have not been going through a physical pregnancy, I feel like I have been going through a spiritual birth. Thankfully, since I have been blessed to physically give birth to three beautiful children, I know that the pain of childbirth eventually turns into the joy of parenting. Reminding myself of my physical birthing process and knowing that there is “a purpose in our pain” has brought comfort as I have experienced the pain of being impregnated with a dream that has an expected due date of May 2020.
When the Dream is a Seed
Although society has made lots of technological advances that allow women to get pregnant without going through the traditional process, for most women, our dream of becoming a mother is not possible unless our egg is fertilized by a man’s sperm. In order for the egg and the sperm to connect and for the fertilization to happen, the timing has to be right and there cannot be any obstructions that are preventing the two from connecting. Although I first started trying to write a book almost five years ago, it was not until 2019 that I really got focused on writing the version that I hope to publish in May 2020. The direction of the book changed in January 2019, when I was participating in my church’s Daniel Fast. We were reading the book, Draw the Circle: The 40 Day Prayer Challenge by Mark Batterson. Although I enjoyed reading the entire book, one of the chapters that really spoke to me was Day 8: One God-Idea. In this chapter, the author talks about the difference between a good idea and a God-Idea. He writes,
“We don’t get a vision from God by going to conferences. We might get some good ideas, but God-ideas are only revealed in the presence of God. … At some point in our lives, the best we can do isn’t good enough. Our best solutions, ideas, and efforts aren’t good enough. That’s when we need to hit our knees and trust God to do what only God can do. After all, prayer is the difference between the best you can do and the best God can do. And that’s a big difference.”
Before January 2019, I had some good ideas for my book, but during this period of praying and fasting, the Lord was able to speak to me without any obstructions because one of the goals of the Daniel Fast is to cleanse your body and your mind and develop a closer relationship with God. For 21 days, we only ate things from the ground, and we abstained from coffee, sugar, alcohol, meat, and dairy. We even had a week where we did not use technology after a certain time, and I believe that since I was intentionally limiting distractions, God was able to send messages that connected with the seed that was in my heart and as a result the dream was fertilized and the baby began to grow.
Deciding on a Name
After finding out you are expecting, usually one of the first things an expecting mother might do is to start thinking about potential names. It was difficult deciding on a name for my book. I knew it would have “soar” in the title because the word “soar” has been on my heart ever since I wrote the poem, Lord, I Want to Soar Again, after circumstances in my first marriage caused me to leave Houston, Texas and go stay with my parents in Minnesota. As I cried myself to sleep at night and prayed for God to heal my broken heart, I poured my pain into a poem. At the time I wrote the poem, I had no idea that years later, the Lord would speak through me again. This time, instead of just speaking through me in a poem that was only meant for my personal healing, He would speak through me through a book, which would launch a company, both of which are designed to provide hope and healing for the brokenhearted and to encourage people that they can reach their potential in spite of any valleys or losses they may have experienced. After waking up in the middle of the night with ideas and scribbling thoughts on various pieces of paper and playing with different logo designs, I finally decided on Soar2BMore for the company and Look Up, Step Up, and Soar for the book. The book’s name is encouraging people to look up at God, who is all powerful and all knowing, instead of looking at our temporary valleys. If we look up, we will see God’s bright light which will give us hope that we will get out of the valley. Although we might not get out of the valley when we think we should, we will emerge from the valley when God thinks we’re ready. In addition, although God is able to pull us out of the valley at any time, it is important that we take some responsibility for our future by engaging in self-reflection while we are in the valley. It is critical that we stay in prayer, trust God and take steps that will prepare us to be ready to spread our wings and soar.
Dealing with the Physical and Emotional Changes
When a woman is pregnant, her body goes through a lot of changes so that her body can adjust to the life growing inside. Her stomach starts to stretch. Her feet might get bigger. Her regular clothes don’t fit anymore. She might have some unusual cravings. You might even walk differently because you are carrying something inside that’s creating an imbalance. These physical changes can be uncomfortable, as you may not only experience pain but also extreme fatigue. Hence, for those of us who are used to giving 150%, it can be very difficult to accept the fact that our bodies and minds cannot maintain the same intensity and activity as they did before we were pregnant. It can be very frustrating to have the will to do something but not be able to always follow through. As a pregnant mom, you may have difficulty reaching down to tie your shoes because the baby bump is in the way. Simple tasks like this were not a problem before you were pregnant. Similarly, as I have been going through this spiritual pregnancy, I have found myself occasionally struggling to do tasks that were easy to do before I started moving further along in the pregnancy process.
When I was physically pregnant, I experienced bouts of fatigue and went through physical and emotional changes. It seemed as though my energy level was not as high as it was before I was pregnant. Why does this happen? According to the American Pregnancy Association,
“During early pregnancy, hormonal changes are likely the cause of fatigue. Your body is producing more blood to carry nutrients to your growing baby. Your blood sugar levels and blood pressure are also lower. Hormones, especially increased progesterone levels, are responsible for making you sleepy. In addition to the physical changes occurring in your body, emotional changes can contribute to decreased energy.”
This past year, as I have been preparing to birth my dream of being a writer and speaker and pursue my passion and mission of spreading a message of hope, healing, encouragement and empowerment, I have felt the pains of insecurity, doubt, uncertainty, frustration, anxiety and disappointment. I have struggled with not being able to give 150% in other areas of my life, as most of my energy has been directed to following God’s call on my life. Like expectant mothers sometimes question whether they will be a good mother, I have questioned whether I would be a good writer and speaker. Expectant moms might also sometimes find themselves breaking out in tears because their hormones are out of whack. For someone who rarely shows emotion, I have found myself having trouble holding back the tears and often not knowing why they keep flowing. I guess I am now in my final trimester of being pregnant with my dream, and I know the baby will be born soon. When it comes, I will not be the same person I was before, and I pray that as a result of this birthing process, I will get further in my quest to give God my B.E.S.T.
The Baby is Coming
If you are going through a painful process right now, don’t get overly concerned because you might be about to birth something like me. Although I was initially concerned with the wide range of emotions I have experienced over the past year, once I realized that all of these changes were part of the birthing process, I was able to relax and take comfort in knowing that once I give birth and see the baby that God has been forming inside of me, the pain that I have experienced will be worth it. I am looking forward to holding my baby -- the book, Look Up, Step Up and Soar, in my hands in a couple of months, and I am excited about sharing it with others that will hopefully be blessed by it. Visit our website for updates.